The Beginning Of The End

My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned and that’s okay.    

Hearing the words, “I don’t see a path for us to be happy together forever” absolutely broke me. At first I really wanted to hold on to hope that it was just a phase and things would get better. After all, we had our whole lives planned out together. But as each day went on, reality started to set in and I could see how the man I was married to was no longer the man I had married. Eventually I had to decide for myself that it was better to close this chapter of our lives and have hope for a better future than it was to keep trying to hold onto someone that didn’t want to be held onto. 

Coming to that realization didn’t make things any easier though, in fact it made it so much harder because it made the situation that much more real. The first few days I was a sobbing mess. I found myself coming back to reality every morning when I woke up, as if I thought it was all some nightmare that I would eventually wake up from and then it would all go away. After I got over the initial emotions it was like I went into shock. I would talk about the situation as if everything was fine and I was going to be completely okay, but that’s because I felt numb. Numb to the emotions, numb to the situation, and honestly numb to everything happening around me. The days after everything came out are such a blur, but maybe that’s a good thing. My only hope is that my kids didn’t pick up on my feelings, I tried my best to hold it together around them, but honestly some days looking at them was what made me break. Carson’s life is going to be flipped upside down and Benjamin will never remember what it’s like for us to all be together under one roof. Eventually I started to feel so much anger and frustration. Frustration that this was my life. Frustration that we were now part of the statistics. Frustration that we did everything the “right” way and yet it still didn’t work. We were together for 2 & 1/2 years before we got married and another 3 years before we had our first kid and yet here we are. 

Getting divorced was never something I anticipated for myself. After all, we were like the golden couple. We fell in love as teenagers, got married super young, went through the military life, graduated college together, and brought two kids into this world. In all reality we grew up together, but growing up made us realize that we didn’t have all of the same wants. We always agreed on the amount of kids we wanted and the basic things you discuss before marriage, but beyond that we have completely different opinions on a lot of things. There’s just some things you don’t take into account at 18 that you do in your mid/late 20’s. 

We could’ve continued trying to get it to work, and SO much of me wanted to, but I had to accept that I knew it would just be a temporary fix. Realizing and accepting that what was best for us and our kids was to move on without each other was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to face. After spending 10 years together and nearly 8 years being married, I cannot even fathom what my life will be like without him, yet it’s a reality that I have to face. 

Each day I wake up feeling different than I did the day before and I’m still working through so many emotions and I know I will be for a very long time. Some days are a huge struggle and some days I feel so hopeful for what the future could hold. I did not want this and I know he didn’t either. We have been more cordial and supportive of each other throughout this situation than I ever would’ve expected and for that I am so grateful. Our boys deserve nothing but the best possible outcome we can give them from this. I never want them to feel stuck in the middle or like they aren’t allowed to talk about the other parent when they’re with one of us. 

At the end of the day I am completely heartbroken and so unbelievably sad that this is what it has come to, but I’m hopeful that one day there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s going to take a long time and lots of baby steps, but I’m certain that one day I will see the light. And until that day happens, we could use as much love and support as we can get.