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Dear fellow preemie Mama, I see you.

Dear fellow preemie mom, I see you. I see you at the eye doctor with your preemie twins. I see everyone in awe of your babies and saying how cute they are and your forced smile praying that they don’t try to touch your babies. The germs are too much for them and so many people don’t understand that.  I see everyone asking you how old they are. That one simple question doesn’t just have a simple answer because once you say their actual age, people comment how small they are, and then you feel the need to explain their adjusted age and how they were born so early. I see how you’re just trying to get through it so you can go home.  What they don’t see, but I can see, is how mentally drained you are. I can see in your eyes how broke down you are from this appointment, but they don’t. They don’t because they haven’t been there. I wanted to run up to you and hug you and tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I’ve been there, but I didn’t want to stal...
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“The reality is people mess up, don’t let one mistake ruin a beautiful thing.”

“The reality is people mess up, don’t let one mistake ruin a beautiful thing.” Back in December was the worst place our marriage had been in. We just weren’t what we had been before. The tension was insane and I don’t think either of us really knew why. He felt like we were both mutually giving up, which is why he decided he wanted to separate, and I felt like the hope I was holding onto was slowly but surely disappearing. Eventually the tension became too much and I couldn’t help but to ask for answers and the answers were worse than I ever anticipated. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way it felt, how much I sobbed in that one single day, or the look in his eyes when he said it. And the more we discussed everything the more it made sense, or so we thought.  Our marriage had been through a lot before this past year. Big moves, long distance/a deployment, college; but we had made it. Even that couldn’t prepare us for what was to come though. Trying to get pregnant with B...

You can struggle and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both.

As mom’s we sacrifice so much for our kids and a lot of the time it feels like our sacrifices go unnoticed, so I want to tell you guys a story. On Mother’s Day I had a few hours to myself, so I decided I would spend that time getting a pedicure and browsing target. While I was getting my pedicure, a lady and her teenage daughter came in and I overheard her conversation with the nail tech. It went as follows: Nail Tech- “How can we help you?” Mom- “My daughter would like a full set.” Nail tech- “You don’t want a pedicure?” Mom- “I was going to get one, but I just have so many bills right now and I don’t have enough money.”  My heart broke for her. Here is a mom coming to nail salon, ON MOTHER’S DAY, and yet she’s still putting her wants aside. So I sat there for a minute thinking about how sad I felt for this woman. She looked so exhausted and stressed on a day that was supposed to be relaxing for her, so I turned to my nail tech and said, “Can you have someone gi...

Exhausted.

Yesterday was rough. It was a long, mentally exhausting day. Anyone that knows Carson knows that he’s stubborn. He takes the cake for stubborn kids and I wish I was exaggerating. Something that works for Carson one day doesn’t work for him the next and yesterday, nothing worked. Yesterday I tried every parenting tool known to man and he did not respond to a single one. NOT A SINGLE ONE. He is insanely strong willed. He is determined to be in control and have things his way, which when you’re 4 and nothing is in your control, it’s a tough pill to swallow. He is the child that you could tell to eat a cookie and he wouldn’t want to simply because you said to. And because when it rains it pours, yesterday was another day that Ben absolutely would not sleep if he wasn’t attached to my boob. I couldn’t even set him down to discipline Carson without him crying. And at the end of the day I no longer have a husband that can help me clear my head once he gets home from work. And maybe thos...

The Beginning Of The End

My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned and that’s okay.     Hearing the words, “I don’t see a path for us to be happy together forever” absolutely broke me. At first I really wanted to hold on to hope that it was just a phase and things would get better. After all, we had our whole lives planned out together. But as each day went on, reality started to set in and I could see how the man I was married to was no longer the man I had married. Eventually I had to decide for myself that it was better to close this chapter of our lives and have hope for a better future than it was to keep trying to hold onto someone that didn’t want to be held onto.  Coming to that realization didn’t make things any easier though, in fact it made it so much harder because it made the situation that much more real. The first few days I was a sobbing mess. I found myself coming back to reality every morning when I woke up, as if I thought it was all some...

Our Life Isn’t What It Used To Be

8 years ago we were just kids. We were getting ready to run off to the courthouse with our closest friends and family. We were so eager to combine our bank accounts and change my last name to match yours. We were so incredibly in love with each other. And now 8 years later, I’m sitting here wondering how the hell we got here.  Today we should be celebrating us and how far we’ve made it. We should be exchanging gifts and I love you’s. We should be thankful for a decision we made that would forever change our lives for the better, but instead it turned out to be a decision that gave us so many life lessons. Instead of celebrating 8 years of marriage we’re announcing our separation and eventual divorce.  After my hospital stay and all of the challenges that come with having a preemie, I really thought we would come out on top. I thought it was a situation that we would grow through and that would bring us closer, but I was so wrong. It only helped you come to the conclus...